| KC's Ramblings | Canadian Perspectives on Life, etc.

The Smile Has Returned

The doctor at UCSF said that we would see immediate and dramatic results. The truth…?

Yup!

Remember this?

They had asked us if she had diarrhea – another sign of a zinc deficiency that contributes to the failure to thrive. At that point we had noted none, however within a half hour of leaving the office she started. 3 more times that day she had diarrhea. Obviously it was moving into the next phase but we’d caught it in time. As soon as we had the prescription in hand, we gave her a dose. She scrunched up her little face and pursed her lips. Had I been thinking, I would have taken a photo, but honestly, I just wanted her to get better. If I thought that giving her the whole bottle would have helped… I bet I would have given it all to her that day.

That was the last time we saw diarrhea.

Within a day, the sores on Maisie’s face began to flake off and they were not replaced with new ones. We could see healthy pink skin beneath. Every time she spit up and we dabbed at her chin, the skin on her chin would come off with on the spit-up cloth leaving what looked like scratches behind. Her lips have not cracked and bled even once more since that first dose. It has been like magic.

All Hail The Amazing Dermatologists at UCSF!

KC’s RESEARCH ALERT: on Zinc deficiency.

They do not believe that Maisie has the hereditary disease, Acrodermatitis Enteropathica, which is due to the malabsorption of zinc through the intestinal wall (an autosomal recessive disorder). In this case both parents need to be carriers and there is likely to have been someone in the family who presented with this disease. While information on Maisie’s background is sketchy, at this point we have no reason to believe this is the case. She has the markers of Transient Acquired [Symptomatic] Zinc Deficiency. However it will not truly be known until we wean her off of the zinc supplements. If she begins to show signs of zinc deficiency, even with a healthy diet, it would be likely hereditary. The treatment for that is relatively simple:

Zinc supplements daily for the rest of her life.

And while slightly annoying, easily remedied.

I have found some great studies that have been done and while I don’t have time to read the full paper, I’ve now read a lot of abstracts. Ironically however, one of the best resources has been “Primary Care of the Premature Infant“. There is a lot of information in there but I zeroed in on the section about zinc deficiency. It explains that zinc stores build up in the 3rd trimester. Maisie missed 2 months of the 3rd trimester so it stands to reason that she didn’t start out with much of a storage. It also says that between birth and 3 months there is a drop in the zinc levels in maternal breast milk. Since I did not give birth and already had an established supply, there was no ‘higher to lower’ levels of zinc in those first few months. There was only the baseline of an established milk supply (which is approximately 22 umol/L). So, not only did Maisie miss out on those very important months in the womb, she also missed out on colostrum (very high in zinc) as well as the higher levels of zinc in lactationally age appropriate milk. I wish that we had had a very candid discussion with the neonatologist in the hospital – all of this might have been avoided. However, it is more likely that he did not know that this was a possibility. It is still relatively unheard of. Additionally, most preemie babies go home on a mixture of breast milk and formula. Maisie did too, however it was for the extra calories and when it was clear that she was growing well, the formula was discontinued rather early on. “Primary Care of the Premature Infant” suggests that now that many more preemie infants are being exclusively breastfed that we are likely to see more cases of zinc deficiency.

It’s also possible that I have low levels of zinc in my breast milk. It is now being tested. It is rarely done and I wonder if they even really knew how to do it – but we are waiting for the results. It’s possible that I have low levels of zinc in my milk, but unlikely, as Eamonn did not have any signs of having a zinc deficiency at any point.

KC’s RESEARCH ALERT OVER

Back to the sweet baby who is affected by all of this… She’s back to being a happy baby. She’s sleeping better, eating better, gaining weight finally and all around healthy and happy.

And so are we.

May 15, 2013, Author: KC
2 comments
Categories: Family

Mother’s Day 2013

As I spent my day with these two little beings who have made me a mama, I felt an awe that I am unable to fully verbalize. And tonight I realize…

That it doesn’t need to be verbalized, only felt.

So here I am…

Feeling.

The Perfect Storm

Maisie has been sick.

Not in the “she has a cold” kind of way but in the “what the eff is wrong here and why isn’t she getting better” kind of way.

Around the beginning of April she started spitting up – a lot. She slowed down in her weight gain, to a crawl… She also started getting a rash on her face.

I didn’t think much of the rash – actually what I thought was that I had had a ‘bad mommy’ moment and left her sleeping in her spit-up for a little while before noticing it (just imagine the guilt). It started as funny looking pimples and then there was a period of connect-the-dots and then it just completely covered her left cheek.

It started to peel and we thought that it was getting better, only it kept spreading across her face, into the corners of her mouth, across her ear, behind her ear, the nape of her neck and then it started on the other cheek.

Around the same time the fold above the nails on both her fingers and toes turned brown, then got very inflamed and then peeled.

Also around the same time, she got a diaper rash. She’d been dealing with thrush for a little while so it was believed that it was all related and treated accordingly. But…. it simply continued to spread and get worse.

I’ve been taking Maisie to the doctor probably 2 times a week. We’ve been to see ‘specialists’. No answers. At least none that made any sense. It was even insinuated that we were not changing her diaper enough and that was why she had this terrible rash. (!!) (We got schooled on how to clean the poop off of her bottom! Really!?! Are you kidding me?!?)

Maisie has been slathered with Hydrocortizone cream, Mupirocin cream, A and D cream, Lanolin, Burt’s Bees, Climb On, Lotrimin (jock itch cream) and stuff that I cannot even remember. She’s also had 2 different oral antibiotics along with oral and topical thrush medication (Nystatin and Diflucan). NOTHING made a difference.

I started hiding my sweet baby. She still went out with us but I would cover her with blankets so that people could not see her face. Every once in a while someone would ask us about it, most often in the dr’s office. I would answer that THAT was why we were sitting here in the waiting room.

I was scared that it was contagious and stopped Eamonn from touching her. And then because it kept going on for so long, I let him touch her again. I figured that if it was contagious, I would have gotten it from her already, since I handle her every hour of every day. I stopped kissing her sweet face, at first because we thought it was contagious and then because I feared that it hurt her. Then I started again because… dammit…. who can NOT kiss that sweet face.

During this time our sweet girl started to smile. She smiles so big that her nose crinkles. It made me smile and then it made my heart pinch… because soon the rash reached her lips and they started cracking. They would bleed every time she stretched her lips in a yawn, in crying… even with a smile. It was heartbreaking.

This past Saturday, she was hungry and, as with all recent nursing sessions, she cried and fussed while trying to latch due to the pain in her lips. She finally latched, nursed and fell asleep. As I laid her down and went to put my breast away, I noticed blood on my nipple. I lost it. Babies lips should NOT bleed when they are nursing. They should not have sores and rashes that do not heal. They should NOT cry when they smile.

I called the on-call doctor for our pediatrician’s office. I explained everything to her and she recommended yet another salve to soothe Maisie’s lips but also recommended that I bring Maisie into the office on Monday and request a STAT dermatology appointment….

Another dermatology appointment.

We’d already been.

To the Pediatric Dermatology office in Stanford – supposedly the best…

They are the ones who told us how to clean Maisie’s diaper area.

Let’s just say that I didn’t have a lot of faith in the ‘specialists’ at that point. But – I dutifully called on Monday morning, made an appointment with an available doctor (not our usual) that afternoon and went in. I explained everything to him, he looked, we discussed Maisie’s complete history and everything that she has taken in order to deal with this and he even brought another doctor in to look at it. I left with yet another, but stronger, oral antibiotic and a promise to call me again the next day with a referral to a dermatologist… STAT.

The doctor did indeed call me the next morning. He told me that there had been something niggling at him all night and that he thought that he might have found the answer to all of Maisie’s ailments, seemingly unrelated, now considered a complete picture.

A zinc deficiency.

He was not willing to commit to it but he wanted the pictures that we’d taken so that he could send them to the UCSF dermatology department. He also wanted Maisie to go for blood work to see if it showed a deficiency. Once again, my afternoon plans were changed drastically in order to search for answers. Shortly after sending the photos, I got a call from the dermatology office in UCSF with an appointment, in less than 24 hours. “Can you make it?” Hell yes!

Let’s just not talk about the blood draws on an 8 pound baby yesterday afternoon. I will just say… traumatic for both of us.

This morning Alan and I struck out for San Francisco and arrived at the office with 15 minutes to spare. We waded through the questionnaire and then the questions from the nurse regarding Maisie’s history, background and any medication she might be on and then she was examined by the fellow and more background was requested. Not much was said until the doctor came into the room. She was a very charismatic woman with a lovely smile. She immediately and confidently said that from just looking at the photos, she was CERTAIN that what we are experiencing is most definitely a zinc deficiency. It is easily remedied.

Supplemental zinc daily.

Easy peasy.

The doctor then went on to explain that Maisie’s history weighs heavily into this. Maisie was premature and did not get the stores of zinc that she would get in the final weeks of a full-term pregnancy. Then she didn’t get colostrum, which is also high in zinc. She also didn’t get a zinc-fortified formula… because I chose to breast feed her. This is where some assumptions come into play as no one really knows much about induced lactation. It is assumed that my milk is ‘older’ milk. My reading suggests that it would be considered the age of a 3 month old or older. There would be zinc in my milk but not in the higher concentrations that would be required by a premature infant who is about to ramp up their growth. We got to the point where her minimal stores were used up and the zinc content of my milk did not support her growth any longer.

The perfect storm.

Now, at least – no longer a mystery.

And my glass of wine this evening… no longer in desperation, but in relief and enjoyment.

May 8, 2013, Author: KC
4 comments
Categories: Health, Maisie

I Want to Remember

I want to remember Eamonn attack snuggling me. (15 months)

I want to remember Eamonn tipping his head up for a kiss after I have washed his face after dinner. I have done it enough that he now expects it.

I want to remember Maisie’s adorable smile. It starts on half of her face and travels across to the opposite cheek and when it is a very big smile, her nose crinkles and her eyes wrinkle at the edges. She started smiling at 3 months. (April 12, 2013)

I want to remember Eamonn bringing me his water bottle while I slumbered on the couch (after driving my mom to the airport at 5am), he took a drink and then offered it to me rather forcefully… over and over again. (14 1/2 months)

I want to remember Eamonn letting us know when Maisie is upset. She fusses, he comes to me, babbles earnestly and then he walks back to her talking the whole way. He then pats the side of the cot that she is laying (and fussing) in. (He actually interrupted me in the middle of typing this in order to let me know that Maisie was unhappy.) (15 months)

I want to remember Eamonn coming over to Maisie as I hold her and laying his head down on her tummy. It seems to be a little snuggle. (15 months)

I want to remember Eamonn on his little red rocket. He had been afraid of one of the sounds. It is a little red button and when you push it, there is a countdown and then the rocket vibrates. We had to turn off the sound for everything because the vibrating scared him. One day I figured that I would try to desensitize him to it. I pushed the button over and over again while snuggling him and waving my head back and forth while making a vibrating sound with my mouth and basically looking like a goof. Finally he began to push the button himself. But now… he looks like Stevie Wonder! He sits on the rocket, pushes the buttons and waves his head back and forth. Now we can’t stop him from playing with it and the sound does not need to be turned off now. (15 months)

I want to remember Eamonn going down the stairs. As soon as the gate is opened he races to the top of the stairs, sits down and turns around. But, every time he does it, he is too close to the corner and gets his leg caught. He could be half way down the stairs if he did things differently. But then, I wouldn’t be able to catch up. (15 months)

I want to remember Maisie this small. I know that she will grow and that this difficult time will pass and she will get back to growing quickly but for now I will continue to snuggle her and fold her little body up in my arms. (3-4 months)

I want to remember these sleep interrupted nights. I move over to snuggle and nurse Maisie and stroke her so soft hair. (3-4 months)

I want to remember nursing her to sleep every night. Even when she os obviously done eating, she holds onto the nipple and suckles every now and then… enough that I can’t bear to break the latch and sneak away. I know how fast this goes. I stay long after I know that she is asleep. (3-4 months)

I want to remember how Alan gets up with Eamonn and lets me get just a little bit more sleep. Watching the relationship build between my boys has been a joy. He clearly loves his daddy.

I so want to remember… as much as I can.

We Laughed… He Cried

AKA – Girls Night Out – Sans Highchairs…

I went out last night with the girls. We had a blast; we talked without interruption, we shared stories about our kids… without digging in our diaper bags for fish snacks at the same time. We spoke about the future; the possibility of more kiddos, baby fever, and international moves… And all without insisting someone share with someone else or soothing a melt-down.

Knowing that I had left with Maisie still awake, I surreptitiously checked my phone a few times looking to see if there were any desperate texts from Alan. Nothing. I smiled, envisioning him sitting at his computer tip-tapping away while Eamonn and Maisie slept. I was so proud of my husband… And I went back to enjoying the company of 5 other women. We spoke temper tantrums, cute manipulation, and clever responses.

As the evening wound down, we covered the bill (wrangling the amounts in our mommy-addled brains), we took some photos and left while being shooed out.

Yup – we closed down the place! Go mommies!

I enjoyed the drive home, thinking of cool sheets and sleeping babies. I parked and snuck into the quiet house. My first hint that things had not gone to plan was the lights. The bathroom lights shone down the hallway and lit up the stairs, in the bathroom doorway was my husband’s shirt, a towel was dropped on the floor next to the full tub and there was water everywhere. The 6 oz bottle of milk that I had left behind was now down to 4 oz and sitting on the edge of the tub. Turning the other direction, I could see that there were large receiving blankets draped over everything, as if to dry them, toys were still everywhere from Eamonn’s explorations and again, all lights shone brightly.

I came around the corner to the living room and there stood my husband, with a slightly crazy look in his eyes. He had a towel wrapped around his waist and was holding a sleeping, naked (diaper only) baby (with the hair dryer visible on the counter behind him). With a sigh of relief he told me that “it did not go well”. Maisie then let out a little yelp, Alan bounced an experienced bounce and she quieted immediately.

The story he told makes me so proud of my husband.

For the 20 minutes after I left, earlier in the evening, he lived under the illusion that he might actually get some work done or have some play time. But then Maisie woke up. The offer of a bottle was met with derision. Tears and wails ensued. The rest of the evening was spent calming an upset baby. He tried all of his tricks and tools and the thing that finally worked was a bath, around 10pm. I would have found them still in the bath an hour later had it not been for the obviously imminent poop that made Alan hastily exit the bath, dry off the now-again-screaming baby, and race to the living room for a diaper. They made it in time. Alan cleaned her up, re-diapered her and calmed her again. (Oh – and add in there that Maisie’s crying woke Eamonn at one point. He was very upset that Maisie was crying. Alan spent 10 minutes calming Eamonn back down while Maisie wailed upstairs. Eamonn patted Alan on the back saying through his tears something that seriously sounded like “Maisie”.)

And that is how I found them. After Alan told me the story I asked him why he didn’t text or call me. His answer:

“You were out having fun with the ladies.”

So proud.

April 28, 2013, Author: KC
1 comment
Categories: Family, Maisie

I want to remember

I want to remember this morning. Let me paint a picture…

Both babies were cranky. I fed Eamonn and had Maisie in the bouncy chair at my feet so that I could periodically bounce her. She was holding it together, but barely. Eamonn had decided that he was well and truly done with his breakfast, long before I thought that he was… but I washed his hands and took him out of his chair anyway. I turned on some music in hopes that he would start dancing and remember his happy place. He gave it a half hearted effort, bouncing up and down on his feet while looking at me solemnly before walking over to me and asking to be picked up. I was already holding Maisie who was falling asleep on my left shoulder but I squatted down and hoisted Eamonn up onto my right shoulder and proceeded to dance with my two babies.

Listening to Evanescence, holding my two babies and swaying to the music, I caught sight of myself in the mirror. Eamonn had put his head down as well and had reached over and grabbed onto Maisie’s onsie and was holding on. My heart was so full.

I danced with them for as long as I could and then sat down on the couch, still snuggling with them. Eamonn began to investigate Maisie with his one finger, touching her toes and stroking her leg all while she slept. Every once in a while he would pat her gently on the back or rub her soft hair.

I know that their relationship has so many years of discovery ahead of them but I am so glad that I get to experience and be a small part of it in the beginning.

And I also want to remember… I was snuggling Eamonn and nursing Maisie. She popped off and dropped her head back. Without warning, Eamonn swooped down and quickly latched on, leaning over Maisie in order to do so. It made me laugh… He makes me laugh.

Wonderful memories. I want to remember them all.

April 19, 2013, Author: KC
2 comments
Categories: Eamonn, Family, Maisie, Remembering

Our Adoption Journey – Part 13

We’ve not shared our story publicly up to this point but now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak, I am going to share the process here, with names and numbers. I’ve journaled sporadically but have at least kept track of the important stuff. Some of this is pretty close to my heart and I ask that you, the reader, handle my feelings with care and gentleness. Everyone comes to adoption differently. This is our path.

PLEASE NOTE:

What I am about to share was very difficult to experience. We did not handle it perfectly and every action and conversation was subsequently second guessed. Please keep that in mind as you read this and please handle our feelings with care and gentleness.

Our Story:
Part 13:

September 29th, 2011 – Journal entry:

Well…

I don’t know what to say about the meeting… it did not go as planned. And did not go well. The facilitator took over the meeting and discussed inappropriate things in front of S and basically drove the conversation… in very odd directions.

Here are my notes on the meeting, sadly I wish that this was all that happened…

Meeting with S

Sweet girl, beautiful smile.

Loretta: started out the meeting with asking us if we would spank the child. And the meeting went downhill from there. (Why is she asking this question?) Alan, Myself and even S were slightly shocked at the question and it took a little bit to formulate an answer.

Loretta then looked at S and said, your mother is so beautiful, she is not all black is she? She’s so lovely, that she must have some Caucasian in her. Poor S… she looked at Loretta and then, slightly taken aback, responded to her when it was very clear that she really did want an answer. (Was Loretta asking this on our behalf, we’d never given her any reason to think that we were not happy with the racial make-up of the baby.)

Loretta shared with us that she gave up a baby for adoption many years ago and she had been considering an abortion but she became a Christian and decided to give the baby up for adoption instead. No one knew what to say and it was quiet for a minute before the conversation could pick up again.

Loretta asked if S would want us at the hospital while she has the baby and S said that she wouldn’t mind either way and then Loretta went on to say that it would be good for her to hand over the baby right away, not even hold the baby once, and if she wanted to see the baby, to go to the nursery and look through the window. (This is goes against S’s wishes to have a long term relationship with the child, which she had made very clear to us.) She kept telling her how S was going to feel and what she needed to do and it went against everything that is recommended to all birth mothers, to my understanding.

Loretta told us that the fee that we had given her (that we’d handed her in an envelope privately), was good for a full complete adoption, even if this one didn’t work out with S. (In front of S.) She then opened the envelop in front of everyone to see the check and contract (which I had post-dated as we had previously discussed – she had told us that we would have 24 hours to discuss everything before she would cash our check).

As the meeting wound up, Loretta asked us if we all thought it was a good match. “I think that this is a good match, do you think it’s a good match S? Alan and KC, do you think this is a good match? I think that it’s a good match.” S answered affirmatively and I (knowing that Alan and I needed to discuss our feelings around the meeting and separate the discomfort around the facilitator’s behavior from meeting S) tried to divert the conversation to something else. But Loretta kept coming back to it which made me reply that Alan and I would discuss this and call her back this afternoon. Her reply was “No problem, we have another family waiting in the wings”. Again all of this was in front of S.

So I got up, seeing that this was going to be the only way to end this meeting, said goodbye and Alan and I left. I felt like we were running away, which, I guess that we were.

About 45 minutes later we started getting phone calls from Loretta. I didn’t answer them as Alan and I were still discussing the whole experience and trying to reconcile our feelings around it all. We’d also called our attorney and let her know how the meeting had gone (she was appalled). Loretta called 4 times before I turned my phone off. About an hour or so later I turned it back on and there was a message from her saying that she was at the bank trying to cash our check and they said that there was not enough money in the account to cash the check. Ummm…. What!?! The check was postdated, and this was nowhere near the 24 hours that we’d agreed on (It was only 2 hours after the meeting). There were not enough funds in the account because I had decided that I would put the money in the next morning right around the 24 period expiry. I had wanted the ‘extra’ assurance that we would only be moving forward with this intentionally and not by default because she had our money. We called and put a stop-payment on the check – per our attorney.

Alan called her and asked her why she was not honoring the 24 hr cooling off period that we had agreed to and she ignored the question, asked why we had been so hard to ‘close’, given that we’d had ‘all of the information for over a week’ and that she and S had decided to go with the back-up couple. Alan replied that he was disappointed that we were not able to work together and that was that…

After much discusion with Alan, I then called S as we did not want her to think that we were rejecting her. I explained that there were business concerns between us and Loretta and we did not think that we would be working together. Her response was: What if I want you anyway?

I cried quietly. I didn’t know what to say to her. I still don’t. But now her mother has gotten involved and they (Loretta and S’s mother) are very upset that we called S directly and told us to cease and desist. So that is the end.

The super sad thing… we liked her, it was a good match…

Let’s just say, yesterday was an emotionally rocky day.

That’s it for today.

To be continued…

April 16, 2013, Author: KC
No comments yet
Categories: Adoption Journal, Eamonn, Family

Sleep Deprived

Alan and I were sitting on the couch last night after a particularly difficult day…

Maisie has not been feeling great for the past few weeks and we have been struggling, along with our doctor, to help her. Right now she has a fat lower lip with white vertical lines running along the length. It’s clear that it is uncomfortable as every time her lips touch my nipple, she cries a hurt-sounding cry. It’s suspected that the thrush that she has had inside her mouth, previously a non-concern and being treated gently, is making it’s way out and causing some discomfort – ok… a lot of discomfort. I have been up most nights with some sort of melt-down around breastfeeding. She’s hungry and really wants to eat, but it’s obvious that it hurts.

After yet another night of sad tears, on both our parts, I called the doctors office and asked for the step-up treatment, which is more of a systemic treatment than a topical one. They called back and told me that they had faxed the prescription over to the pharmacy that I had indicated. Now, I won’t go into the specifics but actually getting said prescription was a lesson in patience (and remember how I said that I didn’t have much sleep the night before…?). Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty on my side.

Once I finally had prescription in hand, I raced back home to pick up Eamonn and Alan so that we could head off to yet another round of standing in the passport line at the main post office. Now, that’s a story for another time but here’s a line to keep you interested: said very deadpan by the acceptance agent, “It appears as though you are NOT the mother”, while looking at Maisie’s birth certificate and my driver’s license. This was said as I was removing Maisie from under a blanket after nursing her.

There is more to add to the stress of the day but it’s past now and not necessary to rehash… but add the soundtrack of a crying baby and a concerned older brother who also wants attention and you’ve got an epic day.

Now, back to the couch…

Alan and I were sitting going over the day with a glass of wine and enjoying each others company before we followed the little ones off to bed. I was sharing with him an article that I had read, written by an adoptive mother, that made me think. I told him that it was nice to read things written by other adoptive parents and he went on to say that for the past year he has been reading a blog written by an adoptive mom that he was finding fascinating but she had slowed down in her writing lately and he was looking forward to reading more of her family’s story. I indignantly asked him why he had not shared her blog with me as I’d like to read it too. He smiled and, with a chuckle in his voice, replied:

“It’s your blog…”

Happy Easter

Happy Easter to all of our friends and family.

We are having a rather quiet day. As a matter of fact, 75% of us are still in our pj’s.

We went out to Kennolyn Camp yesterday and met up with some friends for the camp’s annual Easter egg hunt. Thankfully they split the hunt up by age so Eamonn and his little friend actually had a chance [to get some candy for mama].

Maisie slept through it all, until the very end whereupon she let us know that she was NOT going to get back into the car seat without some sort of sustenance. So I sat on a concrete planter and fed a sweet baby girl, while chatting with one of the ladies from The Family Network. It’s a small town here. We are going to miss it when we go. We actually ran into quite a few people that we knew.

Eamonn started out looking for eggs with great encouragement from us, he would then pick them up, look at them and replace them back where he found them. It was with much encouragement that he would put it in the bag. He finally got the hang of it and would then go after the eggs himself. Other exciting things easily distracted him, but he could be drawn back to the eggs.

We did go and get the required photo with the Easter bunny. Eamonn was not terribly impressed but no tears were seen. The funny part was that, after the photos were done, he wanted to go back and investigate that bunny, getting into other kiddos photos.

He actually looks like he is praying for deliverance here.

Eamonn’s little friend got an apple and Eamonn kept trying to steal it. I finally went and got him one as well and he carried it around for a good 1/2 hour.

All in all, it was a pretty enjoyable time.

Goodbye hug from his little friend.

Happy Easter from our family to yours!

March 31, 2013, Author: KC
1 comment
Categories: Eamonn, Family

Our Adoption Journey – Part 12

PLEASE NOTE:

Our story:

Loretta called me shortly after I sent her the email. She reiterated that we should pay more to her because our attorney fees were lower than the attorney that she normally worked with. I decided to not really take that up with her as it sounded pretty crazy and I didn’t think that I could really get her to expand on her thought process. After much discussion, it was decided that we would pay her $7500 and give it to her at the meeting. The contract and the cheque would both be postdated 24 hours to give us time to discuss our feelings around the meeting and decide whether or not to move forward with S. Unless the meeting went horribly wrong, we could not fathom not moving forward.

We were feeling a little bit exploited but still excited about meeting this birth mom who was due in such a short time. The meeting was set for the following Wednesday at 11:00am. I booked a hotel in Sacramento on points for the night before so that we would not have to worry about rush hour and getting to the meeting on time.

On Tuesday I met with the mama that I was donating milk to and gave her what I hoped was going to be our final donation. I shared with her how things were going and my excitement. She took me to the bus stop and I made my way to Alan’s office in Palo Alto. I was so excited and nervous, I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I tried to journal on the train but I wasn’t able to concentrate. While I waited for the bus that would take me to Alan’s office I met an older Chinese gentleman and with broken english and hand gestures we had a conversation about his children. I so wanted to tell him what I was doing and why this little trip was so momentous, but I just didn’t have the words for it. It was oddly easier to tell complete strangers about what was going on in our lives than it was to tell our friends and family.

Alan and I got in the car and, with excited anticipation, we made the 3 hour drive. It seemed to go very quickly. We arrived at the hotel in time for me to pump and for Alan to finish his work day. At 5:30 we met in the bar area for a glass of wine. Emotionally, I was all over the place and couldn’t seem to pull my thoughts together so I tried to journal while Alan finished up:

Journal Entry:

Sept 27th, 2011

Tomorrow is the day that we meet with a birth mother!!! Her name is S and she is pregnant with a baby girl.

I have been second guessing everything. I am finding myself unsure of everything. It’s an odd place to be – me, who is so decisive being… not so decisive.

She is African American and her baby is full AA. She is 34 weeks today – so really any day now is a possibility (AA women statistically deliver early) – wow!

I think that it is very likely that she is also a wee bit nervous as well. We decided to drive up to Sacramento today so that we wouldn’t feel so insanely rushed tomorrow morning. I didn’t want to show up late and stressed out. We are meeting at 11:00am at a park, so we’ll probably leave the hotel at 10:30am.

We are now sitting in the hotel enjoying a glass of complimentary red wine. Nice – actually, I feel spoiled. I don’t do this very often any longer. Alan still spends a lot of time in hotels – but I do not. Maybe when we have a baby, I will be happy to follow him a wee bit more. I think that it will be harder for him to travel but there is still likely to be travel for him. Traveling with babe will be interesting.

-Pause-

I just interrupted Alan while he worked to ask him how he is going to feel if someone assumes that I cheated on him (breastfeeding an AA baby). He said that he imagines that it will come up but we’ll survive it. I suggested that, if asked, he say that he ‘doesn’t remember the father’. That should cause some raised eyebrows.

I am looking forward to being a mother; to nurse a baby at my breast, to bond, to fall head over heels in love with a baby – I am so looking forward to it. I am looking forward to the smell of a newborn, to the creases, to the milky smiles, to the smiles while nursing, to the bright eyes, to the sweet baby kisses, and to be able to shower love all over that wee baby. I’m looking forward to ALL of it!

I’m also looking forward to watching the girls (my nieces) bond with our baby. Little Miss V was very clear that it didn’t matter if it was going to be a boy or a girl, ‘we would love the baby no matter what’. She also said that the new baby and the birth mom and us would all become a family. I love that – I really enjoy how her brain works.

I pumped over 16 oz yesterday. I don’t think that I will today, with it being a travel day, it’s been a bit crazy. But I’ve already pumped 12 oz by 6pm. That means that I am pumping more than 1 oz every 2 hrs. That’s great! I should be able to nurse our baby. If I need to supplement, I should be able to do it with my own milk. I have been donating but if this is a good match with this birth mom, I will stop donating and begin pumping for us.

Alan and I went out for dinner and our dinnertime conversation was almost as disjointed as my journalled thoughts. Thankfully Alan was able to keep up. We did share with the server why we were in Sacramento, she was quite excited for us. She kindly gave us a gift certificate to use for our breakfast the following morning.

Off to bed we went. I woke up once in the night and pumped. I wish that I could convey my nervous excitement. Everything I did was tainted with it. I could hardly concentrate.

The next morning we got up and Alan began working again while I went off to breakfast. I sat and ate my breakfast while trying to read the newspaper and talk with my sister on the phone. Let’s just say that I was not very successful at two of those things, but at least I was fed.

There was a market across the street selling flowers, so I ran across, chose the most beautiful bouquet, ran back to the hotel, rounded up Alan and nervously headed to the car.

We arrived at the park with plenty of time to spare and waited. Shortly a car drove up, parked in front of us and a beautiful young woman stepped out. I gave her the flowers and she gave me a hug.

What followed was one of the most traumatic things that Alan and I have experienced during this whole adoption journey and as I recount it here for you, I find some of the same emotions coming back again. Sharing this with you is healing, it still hurts, but it is healing. I also want this to help someone else. This is why I am so committed to sharing this story. We were so surprised by so many things and the idealist in me feels that it should have been different.

To be continued…

March 25, 2013, Author: KC
No comments yet
Categories: Adoption Journal, Eamonn, Family

1 2 3 4 5 … 23 24 Next »