We’ve not shared our story publicly up to this point but now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak, I am going to share the process here, with names and numbers. I’ve journaled sporadically but have at least kept track of the important stuff. Some of this is pretty close to my heart and I ask that you, the reader, handle my feelings with care and gentleness. Everyone comes to adoption differently. This is our path.
Our story:
Part 2:
Our Adoption Trip:
June 8th, 2011
This week has been heavy. I had a knock-down with my mom where I realized that I was set up as a child to parent every one else’s kids but never my own. I began parenting when I was too young to physically birth my own. I think that my psyche learned at that point that it was my role to parent other people’s kids. And I continued that up through to this point in my life. Maybe I had a thought in my head that I ‘couldn’t’ have my own and that this was my lot in life… Whatever it is, it has contributed to my pushing away thoughts of having my own. I now acknowledge that yes – I want children. And that yes – I am willing to parent children that are not of my blood and body – but I want them to be ‘our’ children.
And so, while I continue to work towards health in my body, we begin our path to adoption.
I began my research last weekend and began contacting people on Monday. Today I dropped off our preliminary application to The Family Network and made an appointment for Friday at noon. Thus begins our home study.
I have also sent in a preliminary application to an adoption agency and heard back from them already requesting more information. It seems that our religion is in question and that we are more likely to be chosen by birth parents if we describe our faith. I somehow think that this will challenge us more than most other parts of this process. (Email interaction to follow.)
I have a bit of nervous energy and don’t really know what to do with it. We’ve decided that we are not going to share this with anyone else at this point but I must say – given that I am a blabbermouth – that will probably be the most difficult.
I am kind’ve allowing myself to dream a little bit. Part of those dreams are of us having our own biological child and the other part is of being handed a baby and being told that we are now the parents of that beautiful child. Both seem so far away but adoption seems closer. I am not letting go of my hope of a biological child but I am very aware that without medical intervention, we may never have our own. I wish to be a parent and I know from experience that I can love someone else’s child head over heels – I will love whomever enters our lives – no matter how they enter.
~KC
Please find below the email interaction between myself and Lifetime Adoption:
From: Jennifer D
Subject: Lifetime Adoption!
Date: 8 June, 2011 12:05:10 PM PDT
Hi Alan & KC (not sure if that is how you spell it?)
We often receive specific requests from Birthmothers wishing to find families who share their religious beliefs. We need a little more information from you in this area and then we can submit your file to our review committee:
Below you will find a basic Statement of Faith. Please fill in each section individually and submit this form back to us.
Use as much space as you need to provide a thoughtful and thorough response to each of the questions below.
Wife’s Religious Information:
Do you attend church?
What church do you attend?
What is the denomination?
Please describe your faith. Include your feelings about God, creation, heaven, forgiveness, salvation and other religious beliefs.
Husband’s Religious Information:
Do you attend church?
What church do you attend?
What is the denomination?
Please describe your faith. Include your feelings about God, creation, heaven, forgiveness, salvation and other religious beliefs.
Warmest regards,
Jen
Adoption Coordinator
Our response:
Subject: Re: Lifetime Adoption!
Date: 9 June, 2011 2:37:22 PM PDT
To: Jennifer D
KC:
My faith has changed from my childhood to where I am now in my life. I feel that it encompasses more and allows more than I had allowed in my youth. I now have the simple faith that God is gracious, compassionate, loving and is delighted in all that has been created. This is the God that I believe is at work in us and with us when we make decisions and take actions that are loving to ourselves and our neighbours.
I feel that repentance is available to everyone – not because we are ‘bad’ and need it but because there is always more love to be given and to be received. I feel that this is a daily event that requires us to live our lives mindfully in respect to how we interact with others and who we are in the world. I believe that nothing can separate us from this gift of salvation and love from God, unless we ourselves turn our backs. Even with that however, I believe that He is there to continually show us the way to turn around and realign our lives in the way that He wishes for us.
I feel that the Church community still has a place in these times as they offer a connection to both the young and the elderly, whom have so much to offer and teach us. As a child I was very drawn to the elderly in our church to hear their stories and to witness their simple faith in a God that loves them. As an adult I rejoice that this community still exists to continue to teach and guide my family.
It is a continual struggle to walk through life striving for an ethical, meaningful, loving and justice-seeking life but I believe that it is worth every step, smile, laugh and tear-drop.
KC
A:
I am a confirmed member of the United Church of Canada, a protestant Christian denomination organization (the largest in Canada second only to Roman Catholicism in popularity). When able, we attend regularly at our local parish. While in Santa Cruz, we’ve been looking for a congregation that is similarly aligned to the values of the United Church.
I have evolved my faith over the years, having initially been introduced to the Church by my parents. Many years ago I realized that the Church plays a fundamental role in our communities. I have the deepest appreciation and respect for the unifying role that an active congregation plays in our communities. I believe that the Church plays a central role in community continuity across the generations, and accomplishes this in part through scripture and verse, offering examples that are of positive and timeless values. These stories were extremely valid at their place and time in history and the majority of them continue to great value in today’s society. I believe that if you act in alignment with the teachings of the Church, you will be acting in the best interest of your community, family and peers.
I believe we are rewarded for thinking beyond our immediate needs, for acting in the interest of the greater needs in society and community. This altruism is something that I see the Church facilitating and embracing and is the cornerstone of the Church’s activism in the community and world.
I believe we are one people, created as equals to one another. We will raise our children with these beliefs, and support them in their quest for knowledge and faith, sharing with them my firm belief that there are many ways to celebrate faith, culture and religion across the world today. It is in these differences we can celebrate the diversity and richness of the world today.
Above all else, I will encourage exploration of the world and all it has to offer. There is no correct answer to this question ahead of time. As a parent, it is my job to facilitate the discovery and offer a framework for exploration that is rewarding and enriching.
~A
Her response to this:
From: Jennifer D
Subject: Lifetime Adoption!
Date: 10 June, 2011 9:59:00 AM PDT
To: Alan & KC
Hi Alan & KC,
Many of our birthmothers are seeking families who have accepted Christ as their personal savor. A great number of our birthmothers are seeking out these families and will not accept families of different faiths. If a birthmother asks you for your personal faith information, what would you tell her?
I also noticed in your statement of faith response you had mentioned Salvation and Repentance. Can you share with me your personal views on how Salvation is achieved and what repentance means to you?
I ask you this because our program is birthmother driven and we only want to accept families we feel confident will do successful in our program.
Looking forward to hearing from you! J
Warmest regards,
Jen D
Adoption Coordinator
A couple of phone calls and deep conversations later I sent this last email:
Subject: Re: Lifetime Adoption!
Date: 16 June, 2011 7:03:42 PM PDT
To: Jennifer D
Hello Jennifer,
My husband and I have discussed this at length. We were told by Kim, on our second phone call to Lifetime, that Lifetime was not a Christian company and while we are indeed considered Christian, we are feeling as though this insistence to define our beliefs in particular areas goes beyond our comfort level. We are also feeling as though this infringes on our constitutional rights to practice and define our religion and beliefs in the way we are comfortable and to not be discriminated against.
We completely understand the desires of the birthmother are in the forefront. However, as you have told me directly on the phone, your company will not even present our file to a potential birthmother who requests a certain belief if it does not match . This leans towards religious discrimination and makes us feel very uncomfortable. We would understand that if a Christian birth mother were to view our file, as Christian adoptive parents, and feel that she needed more information in regards to our beliefs. That would be completely understandable. However as we discussed on the phone, your company chooses to not even present such files. Our belief would be: if she defined herself as a Christian, as we do, our file should be presented to her (provided, of course, it is a match in other key areas as well). The impression that we are getting from you that this is not the case.
If I have misunderstood, please do let me know. If indeed this is your practice, sadly, I do not feel that we would be a good fit. At this point we feel that we have defined our beliefs as clearly as we are comfortable and to my understanding, have not even gotten to the point of having our file reviewed by your review committee.
Thank you for your time,
KC
And we never heard back from them again…
